My foto taken before july4,2008 :)

Software professionals :)

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts,'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'

The man below says, 'Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40and 42 degrees North latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West Longitude.'

'You must be a programmer,' says the balloonist.

'I am,' replies the man. 'How did you know?'

'Well,' says the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I am still lost.'

The man below says, "You must be a project manager."

'Yes, I am,' replies the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' says the man, 'you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.' :)

Jack and Jill in NDTV News

Here is how the Indian TV news channel NDTV 24x7 would report the Jack and Jill nursery rhyme. All names (except those of Jack and Jill), are fictitious.

Prashant - TV Anchor

Two persons have been injured in a freak climbing accident. Jack and his companion Jill had gone up a hill to fetch a pail of water when Jack fell down and broke his crown. Jill came tumbling after. Live from the hill, our reporter, Amrita Shah, takes up the story.

Amrita Shah

Thank you Prashant. Well, as you say, two persons - Jack and Jill - had gone up a hill to fetch a pail of water. Suddenly, Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. Prashant.

Prashant

Thank you Amrita. What do we know about the hill?

Amrita

Not too much. Jack was going up the hill to fetch a pail of water when he fell down and broke his crown. Jill came tumbling after

[Headline appears at the foot of the TV screen: "hill breaks crown of pail-boy Jack"]

Prashant

What news of Jack and Jill?

Amrita

Prashant, it seems that Jack had gone up the hill to fetch a pail of water. We know nothing about the pail, or how heavy it was but it seems that Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. I have here with me, an eyewitness to the accident, Mr Shahid Trivedi.

Mr Shahid, tell us what you saw.

Shahid Trivedi

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.

[Headline appears at the foot of the TV screen: "Boy and girl tumble down hill. Water spilled"]

Amrita

Jack and Jill. What do we know about them? Are they brother and sister? Are they married? Just what were they doing on the hill together?

Shahid Trivedi

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail a water.

Amrita

And what happened next?

Shahid Trivedi

Jack fell down and broke his crown

Amrita

Go on.

Shahid Trivedi

And Jill came tumbling after.

Amrita

Prashant, there you have it. Two people innocently going about their business to fetch a pail of water when one of them falls down, breaks his crown, and the other comes tumbling after. Back to you in the studio Prashant.

[Headline appears at the foot of the TV screen: "Water errand ends in tragedy"]

Prashant

I have with me in the studio now, Professor Chandrashekar Belagare from the Indian Institute of Applied Hill Sciences.

Professor: a hill; Jack; Jill; a pail of water. A tragedy waiting to happen?

Professor

Well that depends on the hill, the two persons, the object they were carrying and the conditions underfoot. Let us look at the evidence so far.

Jack and Jill Went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down And broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after.

Clearly, one would suspect that if Jack's fall was severe enough to break his crown then the surface of the hill must have been slippery or unstable. But I think we're overlooking something quite fundamental here. Who was carrying the pail? Jack fell down and broke his crown and - this is the key - Jill came tumbling after. If Jack and Jill had been carrying the pail together, would they not have fallen at the same time? The fact that Jill came tumbling after suggests that Jack lost his footing first and perhaps knocked Jill over as he slipped.

Prashant

Professor thank you very much. So there we have it, two persons - Jack and Jill - went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.

[video footage... clips of jack falling down is getting replayed again and again... ]

Later in the programme, Osama bin Laden captured in Afghanistan, President Bush says rent-boy menage-a-trois was "just a brief lapse of judgement", and Pakistan launches nuclear warheads against key Indian cities. But next up, join us after the break for a studio discussion about hills, boys and girls and whether water-fetching trips should be supervised. We'll be right back...

Demands!

The Parrot!

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said," I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote the first son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but have to clean the whole house."

"Marvin," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes, and the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Melvin," she wrote to her third son, "You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes, that chicken was delicious."

Moral :

Effective communication is very important!! Else all the pains we take to make our dear ones happy may go in vain :)

Happy Married Life...

Once upon a time, a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years...

Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well-known 'happy going marriage'.

Editor: ' Sir. It is amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible? '

Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: ' we had been a very romantic place for honeymoon after marriage. Having selected horse riding, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one.'

'On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said 'This is your first time'. She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again kept calm and said 'This is your second time' and continued.'

'When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead! I shouted at my wife: "what did you do, you psycho? You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?"'

'She gave a silent look and said: "this is your first time!"'.

Husband : 'That's it. We are happy ever since...'

Heights of........

Height of Optimism...

Soldier: "Sir, we are surrounded by the enemies"
Major: "Excellent! We can now attack in any direction”!

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Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son: Not much dad, just a radio with a sports car around it.

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Q: What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
A: “Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I never told them anything."


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What is the height of mixed emotions???

When ur mother in law falls from 7th floor on ur Mercedes!!!!

:)))))))))))))

A famous divorce

A Test....

A woman , while at the funeral of her own mother, meets a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was simply ' amazing' , very much of her dream guy, she believed him to be just that! She fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him.


.........A few days later she killed her FIRST sister.



Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?

(Give this some thought before you answer).


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Answer :

She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again.

If you answered this correctly , you think like a psychopath . This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.

Also, if you answered correctly, please let me know :-)

Good Wife can balance your life....

PERFORMANCE

A Priest dies & is awaiting his turn in line at the Heaven's Gates. Ahead of him is a guy, nattily dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.

Angel asks him : Please tell me who are you, so that I may know whether to admit you into the kingdom of Heaven or not?

The guy replies : I am Banta Singh, taxi driver from New Delhi !

Angel consults his ledger, smiles & says to Banta Singh : Please take this silken robe & gold scarf & enter the Kingdom of Heaven .

Now it is the priest's turn. He stands erect and speaks out in a booming voice: I am the Head Priest for the last 40 years.

Angel consults his ledger & says to the Priest: Please take this cotton robe & enter the Kingdom of Heaven .

'Just a minute,' says the agonized Priest. 'How is that a foul mouthed, rash driving Taxi Driver is given a Silken robe & a Golden scarf and me, a Priest, who's spent his whole life preaching God & goodness has to make do with a Cotton robe?'

'Results my friend, results,' shrugs Angel.

While you preached, people SLEPT; but when he drove his taxi, people PRAYED.

Moral :

It's PERFORMANCE & not POSITION that ultimately counts.

RECESSION

XYZ Office -> A fire alarm rang at 6 PM when almost all shift employees are in office(approx 5000). As usual entire office was evacuated within 3 mins & every employee gathered outside office. 10 mins passed..................................5 more mins passed.........

Security Officer -> Announcement started, "Dear Employees - With melting heart I am making this announcement that for many of you it will be a last evacuation drill, as we are laying off almost 80% employee. While moving in who-so-ever ID card won't work are layed off & all their belongings will be couriered to them tomorrow. We followed this approach as we don't want to fill email box size with layoff mail in thousands & also to avoid any fight inside office. Hope you have nice career ahead. Please move in & try your luck."

Indians ROCK !!

After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 meters and the headlines in the US papers read : 'US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibers, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians.'

One week later, Indian daily newspapers reported the following:






'After digging as deep as 500 meters, Indian scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded those 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using Bluetooth and Wireless technology.'

Nice teaching....

First-year students at Veterinary school were attending their first Anatomy class, with a real dead pig.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a Doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the Animal body'. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, touched his finger in the mouth of the dead pig, withdrew it and put his finger in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns putting their finger in the mouth of the dead pig and tasted in their mouth.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The Second most important quality is observation. I touched with my middle finger and tasted on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention…'

Moral :

Life is tough but its a lot tougher when you are stupid :)

Best years of my life n...!!

A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience. Said he: "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"

The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added: "And that woman was my mother!"

Laughter and applause.

A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink.

He said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"

The wife went wan with shock and rage. Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "... and I can't remember who she was…!"

Moral :

Don't copy if you can't paste…!!!